As I await the death of my sister, Dottie, I turn to scripture for comfort and peace. Of course, I quote Psalm 23, but its predecessor Ezekiel, Chapter 34 reminds me that God chose David to speak this truth–that God shepherds us all. Verse 39 says, “And you are my sheep human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord God.”
Ezekiel writes that David will be His Good Shepherd, looking after the sheep: guiding, protecting, overseeing, and leading them.
So tonight, in vigil of Dorothy, in end stage palliative care, I turn to David’s psalm. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He knows me by name. He chose me to be “big” sister to Dorothy: to teach her, to pray with and for her, honor her, care for her, celebrate her victories weep for her sorrows, tend her wounds, move her close to me when she needed assistance, guide her to safety, and fulfillment, to provide her a place to live on Long Island and Florida…and, as my mother’s last wish, “Take care of Dottie.” It has been my honor, although tempestuous at time (sheep are known to be resistant to guidance).
I shall not want. I lack nothing, for God has provided mightily, providing all I need for the challenges we have faced. Who knew, but our merciful God, that I would not longer have a house to care for. We moved just before Dottie’s need for care occurred. I can maintain a small apartment, still assist our children and love on grandchildren, and have enough energy to take on Dorothy’s shopping, health emergencies, changes in residences, her hospital stays and rehabilitation. Even this week, as she entered hospice, I found enough help to dispose of her numerous positions, giving them away to bless others.
God brought my husband and me and Dorothy to green pastures. He makes me to lie down in green pastures–not rocky or muddy soil, but a place where medical servics are prevalent, where no snow, and thankfully no hurricanes for her to fear, but time to celebrate the beauty of this place. He knows where each of us will thrive and provides for our needs. Great is His faithfulness. How great He is! He establishes our places where we can bloom where we are planted, and we can thrive on tender grass.
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
What a blessing! He prevents the dangerous torrents, the precipitous impediments, the towering cliffs that could overwhelm us, distracting us from our purposes. He places us where we can make a difference, where we can achieve, where we can rest, where we can serve, where we can make a difference. For us, we could grow up in the beautiful Hudson valley between the Catskill and Berkshire mountain chains–not craggy peaks, but gentle, rounded mountains looking purple against azure skies. The changing season s brought us joy. I can still smell the apple blossoms and glory in the sweet corn picked fresh from farm fields. Some, I suppose, can thrive beneath canyons created by skyscrapers and enjoy the hustle and bustle of crowded streets and hyper-activity. but our shepherd gave us the beauty of wide skies and the benefit of the beauty of His creation to restore our souls.
When I first heard yesterday morning of Dottie’s placement in hospice in-patient unit hospice, I thought two things. One, that I was thankful for the shared responsibility of her care, knowing that professionals will keep her last days as comfortable and peaceful as possible. But then, I thought of a poem I wrote years ago and shared with an “unbelieving” friend yesterday when she asked me how I cope with my sister’s passing. Here is my poem, “Marigolds.”
When I am depressed, I plant marigolds.
Their sunny faces nestled in valleys of ruffled fringe,
Teach me yet again
To bloom where I am planted
To reach to brighten the world
To seek for God’s purpose
To place myself in a place where I can see
Brightness and God’s eternity
In flashes of brilliance.
I immediately tended my little garden outside the porch. The poinsettias were drooping, the Gerbera daisies were dead for lack of water and their need to be transplanted. The little blue flowers I thought could live outdoors in the forty-degree weather of last week, couldn’t.
I got right to work, my fingers in work glovers reworking the soil. I talked to the plants, telling the ones still alive to bloom where they are planted, to once more brighten my life and those of others around me. I mourned for the ones I’d let suffer from my neglect and promised myself to go spend my Christmas gift card to buy more. I’ll get to it when the present crisis passes. I’ll promise to shepherd them through the changing winter weather. I’ll water them when it’s too dry. I’ll cover them lovingly when the temperature drops in these changeable January days.
But it gave me great joy to just “do something to make things better.” I watered them, moved their pots closer so I can see them from inside, and felt refreshed.
But then, our merciful God gave me the serendipitous moment I needed. He always does. He always makes the sun shine after the rain. He always cheers me when life is difficult and I allow myself depressed thought and lack of faith. My large Christmas cactus forgot that Christmas was a week ago. It has numerous buds. Why hadn’t I noticed them days ago?
I know the reason. I think of David’s story.
I wonder if young David, alone on a distant hillside monitoring the sheep ever wondered if this was his forever future. Did God show him the makings of humility as he witnessed the panoply of stars too numerous to count? We too are human, subject to the insignificance of self in a fallen world.
David, the later Psalmist wrote something I could have penned today:
Even though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Can we admit that when things become challenging, we pray earnestly, with heartfelt anguish at the human condition, the reality that there are thorns, brambles, predator’s, illnesses, wounds, pain, weakness, death?
But who has the mean and ability to see us through to the other side? David, no doubt had to be a problem solver on that hillside. He had a responsibility for those sheep. We know he learned to use a slingshot. He took the tools provided and used them successfully. How did he accomplish his task, and how do we walk through deep valleys, dark days, even to the point of death?
The Shepherd, our God, has tools of the trade, a rod to chase enemies, a shepherd’s crook to lift us from the pit, set us upright on our feet again, turn us face forward toward a better place, direct our attention toward a changed direction away from difficulty. He erases the memories so we don’t return to that place of discomfort and danger for our souls.
That is what He did for David.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
I suspect that David, being human, thought, I am in a place of honor after my difficult passage. My enemies discover I am an overcomer, I am not on that lonely hillside or trapped in the valley of despair.
I am seated at a plentifully supplied dinner–even at the head table, and the oil anoints my head, a distinct honor, and I am wearing the sign of respect and honor. And it’s not a “little dab’ll do it…the oil runs down my face. God’s presence is plentiful, over flowing. Imagine that scene.
My cup overflows.
God not only supplies…he gushes forth with His provision. He lavishes us with gifts, attention, and honor…magnificent prosperity, more than mere mortals can even imagine. We await the “eye hath not seen, ear hath not heard, nor can it enter into the mind of man what God has prepared for us. “We can only imagine.
And then, our loving God give the benediction, the blessing, the “atta boy! ,the crown of victory, first prize, the bet of all conclusions to our overcoming and reaching the joys of success:
I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
From the lonely stillness of the hillside night after night, watching alertly while others slept, from the discipline, the lessons learned, the ups and downs, joys and disappointments, the ordinary to the triumphs, the shepherd hears from the Lord–
I shall dwell where? In life’s vicissitudes? In our fallen condition?
I shall dwell in palaces not made of gold and earthly evidence of success, oh no. We shall dwell with the Lord in His presence, for all of eternity–years and years, too many to count, far greater than the countless stars David saw on a clear, chilly night–
Because God knew us before we were born, chose us to know Him in this life, guided us in serving Him, found us and placed us where we could grow us as bright marigolds and bring us where we praise Him from Whom all blessings flow, Amen and Amen.
God bless the Dotties of this world who have blessed and been blessed by the Good Shepherd Who tends His sheep oh, so well.
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